The 3rd One....

Today would be my 3rd Cryosurgery.
Yesterday I had another MRI scan to see the result from the previous cryosurgery.
It was a "so-so" news, I supposed.
Since there's not much changes in the size of my tumor and the severe pain still there. Especially on my right front ribs and of course along my back. The doctors said that it'll take approx. 6 month for a complete recovery.

Means that, I won't feel much pain and numbness not untill next July 2008 after this 3rd surgery. It's also means that months of painkillers, sleepiness, fatigues and pain (...T_T...*sob*)

For many years, I read so many stories, articles and news about cancer patient. And how they've struggled through the pain that caused by it.

My Dad also have suffered lung cancer. And now myself has encounter a 1st degree cancer with a massive size benign tumor, I can feel it slowly eating mybody from inside.
I have talked and shared some experiences with cancer struggles. And I complete understand the feeling.

I would never know when it'll stop growing and when it "decide" to go more cancerous. 
It's like bringing a ticking time bomb inside your body, but you don't have the remote on your hand. You'll never know when will it exploded.

I guess, as for me, it is not really scary to have it. I'm "somewhat ready" for everything that might or will happen.
But it is tiring to fight the pain, and no one (not even your close one understand what the diseases have affecting your soul).
The more uneasy part is actually have to fight to keep strong. To keep "pretend" you are "ok".

Because not everybody (again not even your closes ones), understand you or can accept the facts that you are ill.
Some people might see you as a spoiled-person, they would say "Nah, it's nothing. There's cure. Stop acting like a baby. Be strong"

That is easy to say. And that is okay to say, it's encouraging in some way.

But don't push it.

Because it's not easy for us. It's not easy to deal with this everyday.
You don't have a "thing" inside your body that eating you slowly. You don't see yourself falling a part.
You don't have the heartbroken from the "lonely" souls.

Please don't push it or keep saying "you are okay, you'll be okay".
Somehow it hurts.

Please just accept that we are not okay and we can't be the old person we used to be anymore.
We can't be the person you wanted us to be.
I guess, at some moment, It's not all about you, It's about us.
It's about me. Not You.
Just accept that we are not that strong, and it's okay for us to cry or whine about it.
And it's okay for us to be "crazy" at some downfalls.

You know what is nice to have on this long journey?
Silentium. It is when you say nothing at all... , Big Long Hugs and facts that you'll stay by my side.

Happy Valentine's Day :)