A Wee`Bit of Me

Lose Some, Get Some

You know what they say about always to thinking positively towards things and everything in life. I've watched Rhonda Byrne's "The Secret" and browsing its website (haven't start to read the book), and that the most of it. Gratitude and Positive Thinking. Before that I've been trying to see my illness from different side of angle...

These are -some of it- what I found....

1. I'm not losing hair that much.

It is also because I don't have to get through chemotherapy like other cancer patient. My tumor grows from the nerves, and they've decided not to take chemo-treatment because it will affect me so much. Chemotherapy will drop your stamina into the lowest level and, of course, makes you lose your hair. I lose some of my hair, and it keeps thining but I don't go bald. It can be pretty scary once you really find bunch of your hair laying on your head pillow (like I did), and everytime you comb your hair....

2. I get to travel around.

Okay, this might sound silly. But I do got chances to go to China for the 1st time because of my treatment. ALthough it was a grueling treatment, which I have to stayed in the hospital, but after that I got chances to go places for few days and my Mom and I met my grand-uncle (my Grandma's brother--My Mom haven't see him for almost 50 years!). Added to it, I also got chances to go to Penang, Malaysia for several times. Next destination (if this treatment's not working): Japan! (of course I have to save money for that....)

3. I got new friends.

I got new extended family from over the world, the patient and family that were staying in the same hospital. :) They are making me stronger with their stories and life....

4. My Insomnia "cured".

Okay, not exactly "cured". It is because I have a bunch of medicine that can makes me fall asleep almost everytime during bright or night! .... Boozeddd and Doozeddd.......

5. I feel special.

For having this and many things happening in my life? Definitely!

6. ....

7. ...

I will add more to it later... any idea?

::Counting Blessing::... Volunteer Teacher - Guru Sukwan...

I read about this in the daily paper, yesterday.

An article about Volunteer Teachers in Indonesia, called "Guru Sukwan". I'm not sure why they called it "Sukwan", maybe they just make it short from what it supposed to be: "Sukarelawan" (which is mean Volunteer in Bahasa Indonesia, Guru=Teacher).

"Guru Sukwan" usually dutied to teach in suburban or very rural area in Indonesia. Looking at the picture from the daily paper, I can see that the school building are not in very good condition. They are lucky to have half of broken roof to cover them from direct sunlight or rainy day. One school only got One teacher.

It was said that  "Guru Sukwan" doesn't even get paid to teach everyday. What do they get is a total combined money from parents (who apparently poor) around Rp. 100.000,- per month (around USD 10). If they were lucky, they'll get around Rp. 300.000,- per month (around USD 30). While to pay home bill and daily life will cause them more than that.

Unlike First-World country,  we don't have 401K Plan or Pension Plan, unless we have enough money to pay the plan on our own. One way to get the pension plan is by getting hired to work as government employee.

One of the "Guru Sukwan" even have to work 12 years, till she can get Rp. 1.200.000,- per month (USD 120) as salary. Others have to work part time as construction workers during the night. Yet, according to the daily paper, we still need 89.000 teachers just around West Java Area. 

Well, the picture showed below, speak more than what we see.

My "Mother Teresa" syndrome, again, smack me in the head....

What do you think?

(read more on http://kompas.co.id/kompascetak/read.php?cnt=.xml.2008.04.10.00415681&channel=2&mn=154&idx=154, pic taken from the same link)

Fortune Teller

I really into this fortune telling and mystical stuff back in junior highschool.
I remember, me and my friends were ''playing" and conducting some "rituals" to find answer or life-forecast through (hahaha) ghosts, spirits and something else in this world.
I do remember it was all for fun, but some of friends become believers of this stuffs.
me, myself, well... you can call me a semi-believer. Not because I don't believe in God or I come to believe and praise spirits.
It is because I had experienced some fenomena and things that make me has to believe it somehow.

Anyway, last weekend I went to see a fortune teller.
It's not like what you think. Well, I went to a event-booth in one music festival and this booth gave out free services on temporary tattoos, reflexiology, fortune teller and such things.
Being such a freebies, of course I went to this booth straight away (after an hour of walk around the festival area and seen nothing yet interesting to be watched) :)
There I decided to see the fortune teller.

This is more likely I can remember what he said about my fortune:
"You have a mole on your back (whew, which is true!) and that mole causes you dissapointment on your life, you will experience lotz of dissapointment before you reach your happiness. You have everything already given by God, you are smart and beautiful (I think the fortune teller just being nice because his first forecast about me was not really pleasant to hear hahah), what is wrong: you are not at your right track yet. You suffered pain along your back to the bottom, tell me if i'm wrong, i hope i'm wrong (well, again, it's true..).Your love life (this is what i like about fortune telling!), is not really good at the moment. A lot of men like you! don't laugh, you know it's true (oops...I just laugh at him). You and your boyfriend always got into argument because both of you are stubborn, jelaous and hard-tempered (He's right about it hahaha..).
But don't worry, you'll reach true hapiness. But it will take a long long way. At this time, be patient and laid-back on things that make you angry or dissapinted."

So? Come what to think. Life is about choices.
So I will choose not to be dissapointed easily on things. I'll take his suggestion to be more patient and laid-back on things and people.
I choose to be more happy starting from now. I might fall along the way, but it happens. I'm still lucky enough, compare to other that suffer more.
I will enjoy my life, my relationship, my everything... to the last.
Because I have experienced where God can easily show you everything, He can easily take anything from you, snap! just like that! with His Divine Power. It is forbidden to forget His presence in your life.
I will fight my disease, like I already does. People keep asking me, How come you can have that disease at a young age? Well, I guess, again, I'm lucky to have experienced such things.
and people also asking me, how come you still can smile and do your activity while others might not as strong as you. Telling you the truth, I'm not strong either.
I'm tired, yes I do, but life is like a big-wooden wheel. Sometime you are on the top, sometime you are in the bottom. A friend of me who suffered the same disease told me once: "I hope I enjoy my body and people around me more before this"
She's right, sometime people might not appreciate what he or she already has in life.
I will fight anything negative that come into my life, bad people that trying to ruin others life. I will stand tall. I know He will give us justice.

I try to be positive eventhough it's hard at this time. I just hope I don't get stuck to long in the bottom of the wheel. :)

The 3rd One....

Today would be my 3rd Cryosurgery.
Yesterday I had another MRI scan to see the result from the previous cryosurgery.
It was a "so-so" news, I supposed.
Since there's not much changes in the size of my tumor and the severe pain still there. Especially on my right front ribs and of course along my back. The doctors said that it'll take approx. 6 month for a complete recovery.

Means that, I won't feel much pain and numbness not untill next July 2008 after this 3rd surgery. It's also means that months of painkillers, sleepiness, fatigues and pain (...T_T...*sob*)

For many years, I read so many stories, articles and news about cancer patient. And how they've struggled through the pain that caused by it.

My Dad also have suffered lung cancer. And now myself has encounter a 1st degree cancer with a massive size benign tumor, I can feel it slowly eating mybody from inside.
I have talked and shared some experiences with cancer struggles. And I complete understand the feeling.

I would never know when it'll stop growing and when it "decide" to go more cancerous. 
It's like bringing a ticking time bomb inside your body, but you don't have the remote on your hand. You'll never know when will it exploded.

I guess, as for me, it is not really scary to have it. I'm "somewhat ready" for everything that might or will happen.
But it is tiring to fight the pain, and no one (not even your close one understand what the diseases have affecting your soul).
The more uneasy part is actually have to fight to keep strong. To keep "pretend" you are "ok".

Because not everybody (again not even your closes ones), understand you or can accept the facts that you are ill.
Some people might see you as a spoiled-person, they would say "Nah, it's nothing. There's cure. Stop acting like a baby. Be strong"

That is easy to say. And that is okay to say, it's encouraging in some way.

But don't push it.

Because it's not easy for us. It's not easy to deal with this everyday.
You don't have a "thing" inside your body that eating you slowly. You don't see yourself falling a part.
You don't have the heartbroken from the "lonely" souls.

Please don't push it or keep saying "you are okay, you'll be okay".
Somehow it hurts.

Please just accept that we are not okay and we can't be the old person we used to be anymore.
We can't be the person you wanted us to be.
I guess, at some moment, It's not all about you, It's about us.
It's about me. Not You.
Just accept that we are not that strong, and it's okay for us to cry or whine about it.
And it's okay for us to be "crazy" at some downfalls.

You know what is nice to have on this long journey?
Silentium. It is when you say nothing at all... , Big Long Hugs and facts that you'll stay by my side.

Happy Valentine's Day :)

Tired

I'm so Tired. I'm trying so hard and always look up to God and ask for His strength. I pray every night, 'till I have lost words to say to Him. I don't know what to say anymore to Him. I ask His guidience every single moment I breath, yet I can't feel His presence.

I'm so Tired. And lonely. Things are not happening the way I want it, yet I can't figure out what He has planned for me.

I'm so Tired. I laugh and smile for a little moment, and then wash it away with ongoing truth. I try to think positively, but many time I'm drowning and crying. I want the time to stop ticking.

I'm so Tired. With this endless and severe pain. Over my back, over my shoulder, over my head, over my mind, over my heart.

I'm so Tired. Save me.

Losing It?

I have realized this for a while....

I have lost my passion in almost every senses. I used to have a pretty big positive thinking in life things, but at the moment and so many times, i feel i just want to sleep and cuddle up with my pillows (....hibernate like a polar bear) for months.

I don't care whether the sun have risen or not. I just want to put my blanket up to my face and again.... sleep (and hibernate...). Probably with a little wishes that everything that happening now will just dissapear.

I guess ... I'm a negative thinker and a coward-ass. (I am).

But I'm so damn tired with all of this, that's all. I'm not that strong. I'm demanding for my rights to be loved, to be treated good. NOW!... er..now? or what?

Or I'll shut everything down again like before, and it worked. At least it doesn't jeopardize my own feeling. It isn't the nicest way to act on people that declare they love you (or at least they think they love you. Hah!), but come what to think... It is only you, your own self, that can guard your own heart.

No one else can.

So? .... should I or shouldn't I?

::Counting Blessings::.....Picture....

Found this old' song, it was a hit while I'm still in... ehm High School? It makes me miss lotz of friends from high school... (remember our barbeque times and sing a long together? ahhahaha)...

I saw you yesterday with an old friend
It was the same old same how've you been?
Since you've been gone my worlds been dark and grey
You reminded me of brighter days
I hoped you were comin' home to stay
I was headed to church
I was off to drink you away

I thought about you for a long time
Can't seem to get you off my mind
I can't understand why we're living life this way
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I just called to say I love you, come back home

Enjoy^^~

I don't understand.

You've said that you'll protect me, yet you are the one who made me cry the most.

You've promised that you'll guide me, yet you are the one who left me in the dark.

I don't know you anymore.

I don't want to judge my intuition on this, specially on you. I'm not God, but most of the time it tells me right.

People changed. Many of closest one of mine, I just hope it's not you. 'Cause I don't have any power to keep it that way.

Stop your expectation, stop your judgement. It doesn't seem the way you used to be anymore. And it's hurting me so bad.

But again, People changed. And I don't have any power to keep it that way.

"The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown...
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay...."

::Counting Blessings:: Let's Talk About It

I Went to China about more than 3 weeks, stayed at the hospital all the time.

Well, not really (hehehe). I went to Beijing Street, the most crowded shopping street in Guangzhou, two days before my 1st surgery. Found that so many cheap things you can buy there, specialy for handbags and shoes. One day before I got home, I went out with my cousin to have Korean food for dinner. And, darn it. It was so cheap (Imagine we only pay 72 Yuen/90.000 Rupiah for the whole korean barbeque, cold noddle and Kimbab, while in Jakarta you can be billed around 300.000 Rupiah for the whole meal!). That most about it.

Underwent two surgery, called cryoblation surgery, a newest treatment for cancer in FUDA Cancer Hospital. Check www.orienttumor.com for more information (and more explanation that I don't have to type here hahaha). Don't worry, they have it in Indonesian languange. Other Indonesian cancer patient (That have been my new extended family now, because we have share same experience in the hospital) and I found that this is probably another answer for others.

The pain is grueling! but the whole experiences (...got into funny moments by having languange problem and celebrating my birthday in China for an instance) was a paid off. I wrote few moments in my other blogs reichan.wordpress.com.

 

Difficulties of severe pain and imsonia not yet treated, thought! Severe pain in the spine, cramble limbs, worsening numbness, loss of memories, counting on problems with bladders and slipped disc... Hm. I'm actually not a human. I'm a vegetable! ...-_- he he...

But hey, if this can extend my time to live out the life with the people I love, I'll do anything. Your support and prayers are everything to me. Maybe that's why I'm still alive and kicking! hahaha^^~ Love you guyz...

So, awaiting another months for another journey to China for another surgery and memories!

::Counting Blessings::... Actually!

This is scaring me, actually.

I'm not that strong, actually.

but I want to be actually "strong".

...

This is the least I want to do, actually.

I want to be the ordinary, actually.

but I'm actually glad to be extraordinary.

...

This is confusing me, actually.

I can't find the answer, actually.

But deep inside I actually know, God is the answer...

"The weak can never forgive.

Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

(Mahatma Gandhi)

Hope this time the treatment works yach guyz...!

*^^*